WHAT IS SIBLING RIVALRY?

Sibling rivalry is the protectiveness, opposition and struggle between siblings. It is a concern for almost all parents of two or more kids. Problems often start right after the birth of the second child. Sibling rivalry usually continues throughout childhood and can be very frustrating and stressful to parents.

HOW PARENTS CAN DEAL WITH SIBLING RIVALRY?

1. Dos while dealing with sibling rivalry

• Parents can set a norm of desired behaviours expected from the children to follow
• Parents should set an example of constructive interactions to role model the behavior expected from the children.
• Children should witness that you are talking and negotiating with a family member to solve problems.
• Explain the children that no hitting or other physically violent behaviour is allowed.
• The children should not call each other names but they should express their feelings openly and honestly without injuring their siblings physically or verbally.
• You can also make a ‘safe zone’ for small children where they are able to play freely without other toddler coming and damaging their play area or toys.
• Also you can give some personal space dedicated to each of them such as a cupboard or drawer where they can keep their belongings.
• Explain the children that they should not destroy or damage any property.
• Put all these rules on display in the house so that you can bring to the child’s notice when they tend to break the rules.
• Set up and explain the judicious consequences to the children for any destructive or aggressive behavior and be consistent with these consequences.

 

1. Don’ts while dealing with sibling rivalry

• Parents should not force a child to apologize but instead support a child to see things from their sibling’s perspective. This will over time help child to better interpret behaviours and learn to be more compassionate and respectful.
• Parents should not use labels to describe a child. E.g ‘He’s the shy’, ‘She is brainy’, etc. Instead, parents should encourage each child to stretch to roles that may be outside his or her usual behaviour patterns
• Parents should not label children as competitors or enemies. Don’t make negative sibling comparisons and criticisms ‘Why can’t you kids ever get along?’- it will increase the rivalry. Instead, put a more positive, hopeful spin to comments. E.g. ‘I look forward to you two cooperating with each other’.
• Parents should not compare one child in the family to another. Comparing siblings can fuel anger and negative feelings. Each child is unique, and that uniqueness should be celebrated.
• Parents should not play favourites. It’s normal for a parent to feel a special closeness to particular child from time to time. But strive to be ethical and resist showing an obvious preference. Jealousy, resentment, and hate brew when parents play favourites.

 

• Preventive measures – Instill a positive environment
• Make a positive, supportive and cooperative environment at home that has arrangement to get along.
• Teach your children to respectfully express what they feel, their point of view or desires. Mention often that all have a right to express their point of view.
• Parents should direct the arguments of siblings towards problem solving steps of conflict resolution such as identify the problem; brainstorm solution options; note pros and cons of each option; select one option to try out; and repeat steps as needed.
• Acknowledge, highlight and encourage each child’s personal strengths and uniqueness whenever possible.
• Praise the children whenever they get along. Give them a new privilege to reward their cooperative behaviour.
• Significantly highlight attachment to and affection for siblings – ‘I really admire what good friends you’ve become’.
• Respect the possessions of kids and take permission before giving a younger sibling the special toys, comfort item, furniture or clothing of the older sibling.
• Spend quality one-on-one time (uninstructed) with each child such as story time, extra cuddles at nap or television time. Take turns having one child run an errand or complete a household chore with you.
• Teach children to work as a team together. Parents can put both the children in one team (Vs parents) in the games that they play at home instead of putting the children against each other. Parents can set collaborative rules to support each other. In this way they will learn to eradicate their internal rivalry.

 

1. Managing Severe cases

Many times it so happens that the situation becomes uncontrollable. And the sibling rivalry is excessive or very often becomes aggression, physically injurious or verbal attack. These out of control situations can be prolonged screaming, throwing items, physical injury, cruel teasing / tricking, or other forms of physical or emotional attacks. In these circumstances the parents should take the help of child psychologist & counselor for precautionary / preventive measures and corrective interventions.

Do you have a child in your class who seems to listen but does not follow instructions? And is always on the move?

Are you confused why are some of the students not behaving the way they should?

Does your child throw tantrums and you do not know how to handle it?

Is your child unable to make friends?

These are all behaviors and any behavior can be changed or modified. The entire science of understanding and modifying the behavior is called Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), popularly also known as ABA therapy. It is the most scientifically driven procedure for behavior modification. Here are some tips to understand and help modification of behaviors.

So, let us understand what is the ABC of ABA?

• A stands for Antecedent. When any behavior occurs there is a situation that precedes the behavior which is called Antecedent (what happens before, what triggers the behavior). Antecedent is very important to understand if we are looking at modifying the behavior of a child / adult / autistic child / non-autistic child.
• B stands for Behavior that occurs after antecedent.
• C stands for consequences. Consequence is what happens after the behavior occurs. Consequences can also be classified into reinforcement and punishment. If we want to change or modify the behavior then it is of utmost importance to understand the concept of reinforcement and punishment.

Reinforcement is used to increase the occurrence of a wanted behavior. There are two types of reinforcement – Positive & Negative.

Punishment is used to decrease the occurrence of an unwanted behavior. Punishments, traditionally are considered not to be used unless very necessary as it leaves a scar on the psyche of a child. And there are two types of punishments – Positive & Negative

If you learn to use reinforcements and punishments, then you are able to modify anyone’s behavior. So for all those parents, teachers and caregivers who want to induct good, desirable and socially acceptable behavior in the children, they must understand the science of using reinforcements and punishments

Let us understand the types of reinforcements and punishment:-

Positive punishment – Positive punishment means adding something that the child does not like in the schedule after the occurrence of an unwanted behavior. E.g. Max a student who gets poor results so every time when max brings home a poor result the mother will ask him to wash the dishes after dinner. So she added something that Max does not like? So to avoid this Max will start getting better grades. And thus he decreases the behavior of bringing poor grades. This is called positive punishment.

Negative punishment – Negative Punishment is taking away something the child likes to decrease an unwanted behavior. E.g. a child if misbehaves in class then the teacher will deny a PE period for him. So if the child does not want to miss the PE period then he will make sure that he behaves well in class. Thus the undesired behavior in class is reduced. This is negative punishment.

Positive Reinforcement – To increase a wanted behavior by adding something that the child likes is called a positive reinforcement. E.g. If a child displays a good behavior such as greeting guests or talking nicely with others, and the parent gives a favorite eatable or visit his favorite place or extra play time. So this will make the child continue the wanted behavior in future. This is positive reinforcement.

Negative reinforcement – Negative reinforcement is to take away something the child dislike to increase wanted behavior E.g. Teacher gives a task to Roby to be completed in 5 minutes and if he does so she will not send him for swimming as Roby dislikes swimming. So to avoid the swimming Roby finished the task in 5 minutes. This is negative reinforcement

Try using the reinforcements and punishments with the children and you will be able to achieve amazing results. The important thing is that you need to be consistent with your implementation to obtain the desired results.