Category: Blogs-parenting

Well, February is the month of love, Valentine’s day has just gone by a lot of celebration, a lot of gifts, but some of us are probably still sitting, sulking, having remorse feeling about the break ups, or the relationships which did not work.  Well I’m not here only to talk about the romantic relationships, but it can be any relationship for that matter and if you are one of those who are struggling and thinking how to deal with that unfinished emotional baggage which is continuously troubling you then, probably this talk is just for you.

Relationship is something very amazing you know how biryani is made with rice if it is a chicken briyani, chicken and almost the same spices, but yet different people have different taste and so is the relationship so there is no standard formula which one can say will only make a relationship a good relationship so i think today we are here to talk about what kind of challenges people face, and how do we deal with it? When one goes through a breakup it is a painful relationship it can be very toxic, unhealthy that somebody is being beaten up or emotionally been tortured in a relationship but you still get glued on to it because you don’t want to experience that pain or you think that the pain of breakup is even bigger than being in a relationship, and you keep delaying your decision.

A relationship could be of a business relationship there was a client who talked about that she really worked on one of her stuff, like trained her and emotionally got involved but after that, the person started behaving very strange and she literally felt being dumped. Not only a romantic relationship but, any relationship with things aren’t going good, what should you be doing and how should you deal with it. Well there are three steps which i think people talk about, every person is different, the thoughts are different, the styles of dealing are different, so is there a standard formula? I will say yes, there is a standard formula which works with everyone.

So first thing is it every toxic relationship or unhealthy relationship will make you feel sad and even angry at time because you feel cheated because a lot of women have actually mentioned that they feel it’s a total loss of emotional investment, which they did.

in the other person, whichever the relationship was and this relationship bring in a upset feeling so you are kind of stuck up your angry and your sad what happens when you are sad?

You  know your shoulders drop down, chest goes inside but, when you are angry, what happens, your shoulder goes back, chest comes up and if both the things are happening together. Just imagine you’re struck up, you can’t go forward, not backward, and you don’t really know what is happening to you and that is what happens in a breakup.

You’re angry about many things at the same time you’re feeling and element of loss and your very sad about certain things. Whatever the relationship is, it is very important that we define that what it is so we need to define and spell out to ourselves.

What is this feeling? How do i feel? Why do i feel that, and then face it. You can’t run away with it. So a lot of people tried doing that and it just doesn’t work but if you have any negative emotion which is attacking you then, you need to deal with it, you need to face it and deal with it and that is what is a process of systematic desensitization. So when you think about it, it really leaves you in a very painful state and then you keep saying ‘I don’t want to think about it’, ‘I just don’t want to think about it’, but you keep thinking about it and you do nothing about it. So i think facing it and then slowly, slowly dealing with it is something which will make you feel better try it don’t run away because running away does not really helps and let me tell you one thing, any relationship, if you have reached the stage of a breakup then it doesn’t only have all good things in it certainly there were stages where they were some toxicity, there were some negative things and when you focus on only good things, which you had and when you focus on only bad things your emotions change. So it is very important for you to define yourself that what is the cause of pain?

Step two, always remember that, don’t just get stuck onto a blaming process. A lot of people say that, I didn’t do this, I was very honest, I was committed, but the other partner, really didn’t come forward and didn’t help me. Please don’t get stuck to the blame game because when you start playing blame game you have an element of self love, you love yourself and you will feel it’s been really unkind, unjust, unhealthy on the other person to do this to you and in turn, you make yourself actually target the whole negativity So, i would very strongly suggest that if you’re going through a break up it is important for you to understand that what do you want and what you don’t want. Let’s just look for positivity that’s going to help us grow into our life.

Step number three is very important, there are two kinds of people rejecters and rejectees. So two people had a good relationship for a number of days, months or years, and then they decided to move on, break up. So, whether you are a rejecter or a rejectee.

Researchers have shown different impact, but researchers have confirmed that both have undergone the feeling of sadness, depression and negative emotion, so even women who are rejectors because they were into a toxic relationship, and they could not take it to a brim when everything had gone too bad, they move out and still feel bad about it. So it’s been your decision to move out of  it, and then you feel bad about it. So let’s understand, you should never get into the process of self blame, self doubt.

It doesn’t really matter whoever you are, whatever your qualities are there’s somebody in this world who will love you for who you are? So don’t think that the end of one relationship is actually the end of the world that doesn’t really mean that if you couldn’t click a relationship with the person you will never, ever be able to click any other relationship.

Let’s understand that in terms of two things forgive and forget, so they are only three possible ways that you either forgive the person, and you reconcile it and move on.

Other option is that you forgive the person, but you don’t reconcile, don’t forget about it and still you choose to move and the last option is, you don’t forgive and you don’t forget.

but still, you move on, or you change the whole perception about that person that probably I’m mean i don’t need to win this relationship because this relationship has been so toxic.

So come on friends, i know a break up can be very, painful, but who can help you out is you yourself. Eventually you’ve to wait, because it takes time to heal so are the emotional problems it does take time to heal. Time is the biggest healer. Each person is unique you need to deal with your emotions and your feelings and your things within yourself and that is how you heal your wounds.

School is a place where we send the children to get their education that moulds a child for life time.

Bullying is a process in which we actually harm and humiliate another person and this is done consciously. Bullying is actually a very criminal offence and sometimes it can be extremely harmful. Bullying can happen not only in school, but anywhere and even at a place of work, whenever someone is putting a conscious effort to harm another person, be it verbal or physical. The impact of bullying can be short term or long term. The child being bullied can have sleep disturbances, low self esteem, anxiety, depression, poor eating, no friends, no socializing, etc. These children may actually have poor academic performances also. The latest version of bullying is the Cyber bullying where the number of cases are unimaginable and also increasing very fast.

So what can we do about this? We need to begin with ensuring a warm environment at home, positive parenting and also strong healthy relationships within the family members. This builds resilience in the children, and they feel that they have a safe platform where they can speak freely and share their feelings. Many a times the child bullied thinks that he is equally responsible and somehow tries to keep the information to himself and searches for approval. Amongst junior children in school, a serious concern of bullying is frequent bed wetting. And that’s why parents- you are the social engineers and the first responsibility lies with you.

In school mostly bullying is seen at the physical level on the playground, because in the classroom there is always a significant supervision by the teacher or assistant teacher.

• Parents also need to be regularly checking with your child about their emotional state or if there is something troubling them.
• These days in schools we have their wellness team and their major responsibility is to ensure zero tolerance to bullying.
• A basic awareness among students should be spread along with some guidance on the response pattern.
• A child should generally walk away from the scene instead of getting engaged and involved in retaliating, which may worsen the situation.
• Schools must regularly conduct anti-bullying programs through street plays, small skits and now online awareness as well.
• Wellness teams have counsellors who should be approachable by any child who is going through painful bullying. Every child should be first given an opportunity to deal with it at his own level and then if not solved, to be shared with any significant adult.
• Further anonymity has to be strictly maintained to encourage such kind of offences. Teachers must discuss and talk often on this topic with the students, and how can they safeguard themselves against bullying.

Emotional health is of topmost significance during this pandemic time and therefore bullying must be addressed on priority basis at both places, home and school.

Happiness is something that each human being is expecting in their life and the more we have the more we want happiness in our lives. Today I would like to talk about the formula to obtain happiness.

What is happiness? How can we be happy? Can we get happiness from somewhere or are we born happy? What exactly is this concept of happiness? Someone asked Lord Buddha, “I want to be happy.” Buddha replied, “Remove I want to… from your sentence and you will be happy.”

A lot of us live with this phenomenon of ‘I me myself’. And that’s the ego point. Can we get out of this ‘I me myself’? Do we really look into the needs and wants? Actually there is enough for everybody’s needs but there is no fulfilment for everybody’s wants. What can we do about this accumulation? We must realise that happiness is a concept in the future. I will be happy if I have the best car. I will be happy is I have a big house of my own. I will be happy if I get good results in grade 12. “WILL BE HAPPY” something in the future. But actually it is right in ‘YOU’.

Happiness is one among the six basic emotions of human beings namely fear, happiness, sadness, anger, disgust and surprise. So happiness is a born phenomenon within a person but very often we fail to recognize it and we search for it in the future. Let me tell you that happiness is a beautiful formula but before I get to the formula; I would love to share a brilliant story which I heard from Dr. Chinu (one of my ……). This story talks about the hare and the tortoise which as kids all of us have heard and that the hare slept off and the tortoise crossed him and wins the race and conclude the morale that slow and steady wins the race. But what we have not heard is that when the rabbit was asked what had happened to him?; he said that while he was running he was way ahead and the tortoise was very slow so he got engaged in enjoying the beauty of green, huge trees and he wanted to rest under it. He loved resting there. Then he heard a Cuckoo singing and he loved it too. Then he saw the multi-coloured flowers and loved its fragnance. Then he saw a pretty butterfly around them. And he got very engrossed in all these things. Suddenly he remembered that he is a part of the race. So before the tortoise can cross him, he will reach the end and be a winner. But at that moment he found a saint under the tree. The saint started his discourse and started talking to him and asked him, “where are you going?” So the rabbit replied that he wanted to win the race so that people will remember him as the fastest animal. And that is why he is running a race. “What will you get?”, asked the saint? The rabbit replied he will get a medal and fame. “What will happen then?”, asked the saint. To which the rabbit replied that he will be happy. So then the saint asked “Are you not happy in this green grass? Are you not happy to see these beautiful flowers, its fragrance and the pretty butterflies?”.

It is the same for us as well. We are happy but we all run a mad race to somewhere, to achieve something, which is not there. You buy one car but you want to buy a bigger car or a better brand. You have one-bedroom house but you want a 4-bedroom house. And what not…….

When we talk of happiness hormones what comes to our mind is Dopamine, which is released when you achieve something. And when you have achieved it, the release gets vanished. Then you want something else and when you get it again dopamine is realised and next moment it is gone. It is an endless cycle. So friends today we are going to talk about a beautiful model called ‘PERMA’. If you understand these five things, then happiness will not be out there but it will be inside you. So lets us understand these 5 points.

1. P – Positive emotions – It is very important for us to acknowledge our own emotions and turn them into positive emotions? Many a times we live our lives under the shelter of negative emotions. Do you have the power to change your unhealthy negative emotions into healthy negative emotions? And then eventually turn them into positive emotions. And that is what brings the difference in life. So let us start evaluating our emotions because our emotions are actually the by-product of our thinking processes. When we look for what is not there compared to looking at what is there; the emotions are different. IT IS RIGHT INSIDE YOU WITHIN YOUR REACH.
2. E – Engagement – Keep yourselves busy. An idle mind is a devil’s workshop. If you want to be happy; identify what is your passion? What is driving you through? A sculpture sits with a hammer and chisel the whole day with one stone and carves a beautiful statue out of it. How much time does it take? Probably the full day. But because there is a passion, a goal, something you are trying to achieve, the engagement keeps you happy. So it is very important for all of us to keep ourselves engaged. If you are a student, engage in whatever you think is your priority. If you are an adult, choose your priorities. Often many young women say that before their marriage they could engage in doing so many activities but now they do not have the time and do not have any priorities. YOU NEED TO CHOOSE YOUR PRIORITIES.
3. R – Relationship – How much time do we give to our relationships? Courtesy social media these days, everybody is sitting in close contiguity of time and space but not communicating with each other. Everybody is busy with their smart unit (mobile phones) in their hands. We connect with people who are miles and miles away but we are not connecting with people who are sitting next to us. One must invest in the relationships as it is very important that you value them and express your love, care and gratitude to them. How much does your family, your friends mean to you? Invest in them, invest in your relationships. There are researches that show that PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRINGER RELATIONSHIPS ARE HAPPIER HUMAN BEINGS IN LIFE.
4. M – Meaning – What is the meaning of your life? What is your purpose of your life? Have you really set any goals? As per Maslow’s Need Hierarchy model, we talk of self-actualization after our basic needs of love, hunger, thirst and sex are met. We all look forward to something bigger in life. What is your goal in life? YOU NEED TO DEFINE THAT GOAL IN YOUR LIFE NOW.
5. A – Accomplishments – Celebrate your accomplishments, small or big; You must celebrate it. It may be small achievements, collect your family and friends and celebrate those small achievements. Make them sound big to your own self because YOU CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.

The journey is immensely positive. Everything is in your reach. What you need is the right attitude because happiness is not only an emotion but it is an attitude and it is within your reach right inside you.

WHAT IS SIBLING RIVALRY?

Sibling rivalry is the protectiveness, opposition and struggle between siblings. It is a concern for almost all parents of two or more kids. Problems often start right after the birth of the second child. Sibling rivalry usually continues throughout childhood and can be very frustrating and stressful to parents.

HOW PARENTS CAN DEAL WITH SIBLING RIVALRY?

1. Dos while dealing with sibling rivalry

• Parents can set a norm of desired behaviours expected from the children to follow
• Parents should set an example of constructive interactions to role model the behavior expected from the children.
• Children should witness that you are talking and negotiating with a family member to solve problems.
• Explain the children that no hitting or other physically violent behaviour is allowed.
• The children should not call each other names but they should express their feelings openly and honestly without injuring their siblings physically or verbally.
• You can also make a ‘safe zone’ for small children where they are able to play freely without other toddler coming and damaging their play area or toys.
• Also you can give some personal space dedicated to each of them such as a cupboard or drawer where they can keep their belongings.
• Explain the children that they should not destroy or damage any property.
• Put all these rules on display in the house so that you can bring to the child’s notice when they tend to break the rules.
• Set up and explain the judicious consequences to the children for any destructive or aggressive behavior and be consistent with these consequences.

1. Don’ts while dealing with sibling rivalry

• Parents should not force a child to apologize but instead support a child to see things from their sibling’s perspective. This will over time help child to better interpret behaviours and learn to be more compassionate and respectful.
• Parents should not use labels to describe a child. E.g ‘He’s the shy’, ‘She is brainy’, etc. Instead, parents should encourage each child to stretch to roles that may be outside his or her usual behaviour patterns
• Parents should not label children as competitors or enemies. Don’t make negative sibling comparisons and criticisms ‘Why can’t you kids ever get along?’- it will increase the rivalry. Instead, put a more positive, hopeful spin to comments. E.g. ‘I look forward to you two cooperating with each other’.
• Parents should not compare one child in the family to another. Comparing siblings can fuel anger and negative feelings. Each child is unique, and that uniqueness should be celebrated.
• Parents should not play favourites. It’s normal for a parent to feel a special closeness to particular child from time to time. But strive to be ethical and resist showing an obvious preference. Jealousy, resentment, and hate brew when parents play favourites.

• Preventive measures – Instill a positive environment
• Make a positive, supportive and cooperative environment at home that has arrangement to get along.
• Teach your children to respectfully express what they feel, their point of view or desires. Mention often that all have a right to express their point of view.
• Parents should direct the arguments of siblings towards problem solving steps of conflict resolution such as identify the problem; brainstorm solution options; note pros and cons of each option; select one option to try out; and repeat steps as needed.
• Acknowledge, highlight and encourage each child’s personal strengths and uniqueness whenever possible.
• Praise the children whenever they get along. Give them a new privilege to reward their cooperative behaviour.
• Significantly highlight attachment to and affection for siblings – ‘I really admire what good friends you’ve become’.
• Respect the possessions of kids and take permission before giving a younger sibling the special toys, comfort item, furniture or clothing of the older sibling.
• Spend quality one-on-one time (uninstructed) with each child such as story time, extra cuddles at nap or television time. Take turns having one child run an errand or complete a household chore with you.
• Teach children to work as a team together. Parents can put both the children in one team (Vs parents) in the games that they play at home instead of putting the children against each other. Parents can set collaborative rules to support each other. In this way they will learn to eradicate their internal rivalry.

1. Managing Severe cases

Many times it so happens that the situation becomes uncontrollable. And the sibling rivalry is excessive or very often becomes aggression, physically injurious or verbal attack. These out of control situations can be prolonged screaming, throwing items, physical injury, cruel teasing / tricking, or other forms of physical or emotional attacks. In these circumstances the parents should take the help of child psychologist & counselor for precautionary / preventive measures and corrective interventions.

There are multiple laws around us. Some are physics and others, government. Yet, we have an exciting law that is always within our reach: the law of attraction. The law is simple: one can get anything under the sun in their life if they manifest for it.

It’s an amazing science. Whatever the human mind and conceive and believe, it can easily achieve. There are books and movies like ‘The Secret’ based on the law of attraction. Maybe reading and watching these is a good way to introduce yourself to the strength and beauty of this law!

Firstly, listening is a vital skill. Even though our mind tends to believe only what we want to hear due to the confirmation bias, being more alert is vital. If we listen to everything around us, we will be more alert to our surroundings and have greater control.

Having a vision board is an excellent way to have control over our own thoughts and believes. If we want a car, we can get a car. A good way to really make ourselves believe that want it is to be precise with our dreams, get a picture of the model and the colour and have it looking at through your vision board!

Next, perspective is essential. The meaning we attach to something is not external- it’s rather from within. How we interpret our surroundings is essential. A rainy day can be romantic for one while gloomy for another at the same time.

Also, we create the negativity in our life. They are planted by us, and hence can be eliminated by us very easily. In a garden where we plant nothing, we will only have weed and grass, but if we plant a good seed, we may get roses. We need to keep taking to ourselves and telling us that we are good, we are great.

We have an exclusive access to our inner self and positive affirmations can save the day!

Today, at the dawn of the post Covid era- take charge of yourself, heal yourself and experience change like never before!

Conversations about intelligence are a common part of our daily lives. Historically, we have all tried to determine how intelligent us and the others around us are. However, breaking down the abstract idea of intelligence gives rise to many other questions. For instance, most intelligence tests are only confined to verbal and logical reasoning. Yet, there are many other ways in which someone can demonstrate intelligence and exceptional behavior.

These questions have given birth to the 8 components of multiple intelligence by Howard Gardner. Apart from the academic focused verbal and mathematical intelligence, other types of intelligence’s  include interpersonal, intra-personal, kinesthetic, musical, visual, and naturalistic.

Interpersonal intelligence means the ability to interact and bond well with others while intra-personal means the power to understand oneself and be strong to fight adversity.

Kinesthetic relates to bodily functioning like sports, dancing, and swimming while musical and visual are more on the arts side of the spectrum.

Lastly, naturalistic accounts for all very strong five senses and culinary expertise.

Given that there are so many different and diverse ways in which we all can be intelligent, it is important to keep these various forms in mind as parents and teachers. All our children have some talent and recognizing their special intelligence at an early stage in life will help support them and hone their skills. These intelligence’s are often reflected in hobbies and extra-curricular activities that students take up in school. Appreciating them and starting a conversation about them will help empower many young hearts and will turn them into confident and multi-talented individuals!